Although in my most recent post I was talking about expressing raw emotion in automatic writing, there is one part of My last road cycling season project, where I must remain composed and not fall into the rwgbit hole of frustration, self-pitty and spectacular wound-licking.
It’s my original Hungarian cycling blog, TOURázzunk együtt, and all the bad experience I had with it.
Because it’s different than my English written content. Failed with my PelotonTales project is almost entirely my fault. There are millions of English speaking (or who understand English) people around the world. If I couldn’t find a few thousands of them to make them curious about what I’d loke to say about road cycling, that’s my fault. Isn’t it? I wasn’t smart enough I wasn’t diligent enough, I wasn’t interenting enough, Imwasn’t deteminated enough etc. Besides of a few really outrageous moments of mansplaining (I shouldn’t read sad stories, I shoudl focus more in smiling with my pretty face, or other person just became agressive because I, as a woman shouldnt be so stubborn and trying again and again to make this project succeed) there weren’t really big confrontations between me and my possible audience.
People just don’t care about what I do, and it’s fine.
Meanwhile inside the Hungarian culture…
The level of aggression I was attacked with for various reasons was really soul wrecking. Incredibly harmful for my mental health. I was bullied not only for my opinion but when soemone did not like what the tv comentators said, or, furthermore what a cyclist or a director sportife said. Because in the early days of my blogging, road cycling had a very little representation in the media, and I, a sole woman migh have been an easy target.
Anyway, it was so awful, that in 2019 I already said goodbye to my Hungarian cycling projects, from this perspective, PelotonTales, my English project seemed to be just an afterthought.
So I have a lot of frustation and anger in my when I’m thinking of my good old TOURázzunk. But these negative feeling aren’t constructive, I ‘m afraid if I would just let them out, it wouldn’t be a relief, it would rather make things worse.
So, I have to be careful with that.